[December 17, 2012]
i am drawn to him just as he is to me, completely aware that the tension between us would be obvious to anyone happening to glance our way …Dave 3 steps down from the landing i stand upon, unlit cigarette in between my fingers, as i tell him i cannot come down and join him as he smokes a joint … he holds his hand to his heart as though i am physically hurting him before he turns and walks down.
i am in a tizzy but nothing close to as being confused as when Mark calls me from the airport: he is here, he is waiting for his dad to pick him up, he needs to buy a dongle, get an internet connection, his old one is disconnected, can we meet up tomorrow?
hardly an hour passes by before Dave asks me if i’ve left work, and i tell him that Mark just called me. i read his anger in between the lines of the texts he composes, even as i disguise my bewilderment, before he runs off to play his next set.
Riff needs to talk and he tells me about his one regret in life as we wait for my bus, in his car, both very well aware that he has made me terribly late. he asks me about Mark, not that he knows his name, not that Dave does, not that Riff knows about Dave.
Mark texts me and we fall into a familiar pattern, as though the past year was a mere sabbatical agreed upon by both parties, and now there is only the initial awkwardness to get through.
i have so many questions to demand answers for, yet i know that i will not get them during my lunch hour tomorrow – it will be filled with awkward small talk and inanities.
my life is either barren or insanely complicated, no middle ground, nothing mediocre, only extremes. and this time i am afraid that i have pulled others into my sphere and i do not know how to handle hurting – even inadvertantly – someone else, people i care about, whether they are true or not, whether they deserve it or not.
Riff’s words ring nonstop in my head – all anything wants from you is a good fuck with the hottest girl, to claim that ultimate notch in their leather belts. and suddenly i do not know if i can trust anyone, Riff included. perhaps i should have chosen silence, to stay in my shell, instead of burrowing out and sharing.